What if you only had 49 days?

Yes, indeed. What if you only had 49 days left to settle whatever there needs to be settled? These thoughts came to my mind after watching the K-drama titled 49 days? Upon reading each episode summary, I was left with one burning question till the extent that i was totally sleepless that night. Why would they give you 49 days to painstakingly search for 3 people who genuinely loved you only to realize that at the end of the 49 days, you were gonna die anyway. This was simply too cruel to the person, like the "scheduler" told her when she saw him after waking up from her supposedly "brain dead" condition. I imagine me in her shoes; I surely would go insane. I rather I died that fateful day than to have someone telling me I may have a chance to live if i could ... & ... Like seriously.

Well, after watching right up to the last episode with me being choked with tears i suddenly realized the real intention behind the 49 days. At least she had one last chance to make things right, know the true colours of her friends and fiance, know who truly loved her and last but not least, she had the final chance to say goodbye to her parents. A cruel and tormenting period indeed. Live like its your last day on earth. I havent been able to do that yet cause i know i have many things i wanna accomplish...

Life's Last Journey

I remember mentioning in my previous post that i had another friend's wedding to attend today. However, instead of attending the wedding, i attended a wake instead. No words could express what i felt.

Through her, I had a first experience of attending night prayers on the last day of the wake.
Through her, I had a first experience of entering Mandai crematorium.
Through her, I had a first experience of seeing a coffin being wheeled in to be cremated.
Through her, I saw my dad crying for the 1st time (or maybe 2nd, during 二伯's funeral).

She was the best 姑姑 i ever had. Always helping my family when we needed help, although we have never mentioned how tough life was for us. Never wanting to trouble us and therefore, I only saw her once on good friday when we finally found out she was suffering from metastatic breast carcinoma. Even then, she could only stare at us, unable to mouth out any words. And suddenly, on a morning when i was leaving for my SOM CA, i was informed that she had left this world. Mum started crying aloud, emotions were ... Dad had to work and could only rush to the wake late at night. Seeing her lifeless body, everyone started tearing. Even today, tears just unknowingly appeared.

My first time being part of a funeral procession, standing behind the van and walking for a short distance with the entire procession blocking the road and vehicles' path, onlookers watching us out of curiosity... A grand yet solemn affair. Cremation was super fast, like time just zoomed by. Within 1/2 an hour, we were back at her place. Saying our goodbyes and take care phrases, until we meet again.

姑姑， 一路好走。
我会很想你的。
谢谢你，所为我的家人做过的一切。
希望你来世会过的更好。。。

Greatest Gift on Earth - A Child

And so they say, a child is the greatest gift that a parent can have. True indeed. Little Ayden arrived, bringing joy and laughter to his parents :)

btw, the lady in the pic isnt the mum but me haha!

And he grows tremendously fast! I rmbed the first time i carried him, he was as light as a feather; after a month, he didnt look red now, and was heavier. My 母爱 is starting to creep out of my inner self alrdy haha. But, still LONG LONG way more.

And thus, from late 2011 to 2012, I've experienced so many new things that I've never dreamed to be able to achieve. They (maybe some) were not even on my wish list either.
1. 1st friend's wedding banquet
2. 1st overseas trip with friends (which includes 1st time wearing a life vest, 1st time snorkelling, 1st time banana boating etc)
3. 1st friend's 满月 lunch reception
4. 1st A for a university module (which i absolutely love to bits)
5. 1st close encouter with long-tailed macaques (which includes me getting attacked by a bunch)

And soon, another friend's wedding to attend next month. But alas, before i can look forward to it, I'll have to mug like crazy for my finals. And it aint easy. Imagine all the names: TIM, TOM, SAM, DISC, FADD etc. And no, they aint people's names or cd if you wondered. Well, i need more memory space. Time to upgrade. Anyone with a spare part?

有时候，我们只需要放手

Never in my life had i been in such close contact with a macaque, let alone a group of ~25 macaques at close range. It's such a eye-opener to be able to see such stuffs, all thanks to my eco project. Well, maybe i shouldnt be thanking eco cause it has been sucking up most of my recess week. Had a hard time before our proposal was finally accepted. Had been wanting to do the white-vented myna but since they wanted quantitative data, there was nothing we could do but abundance or diversity; and after our recce trip to kent ridge park, due to the rain we missed the early dawn time and didnt manage to see any birds. but we had a pleasant surprise, long-tailed macaques feeding, fighting/playing etc. And so we thought of doing the monkeys instead. Timing wise was bad cause we needed to accomodate to their super early feeding time, but the sightings were wonderful.

Well, digressing, i tried my utmost best to study and understand the different probabilities and distribution but somehow, when i tried doing last year's stats midterm, i didnt know how to do at least half of them questions. Even those that i managed to figure out the answer, I'm not even sure if they are right. This is the 2nd time that i'm prepared for failure, the 1st being CM1401. As long as i scrape the module without having to repeat, i'm contented. But again, everything has 2 sides. Being able to scrape the module would mean that my already-not-so-fantastic CAP will spiral down like crazy. And there goes my honours. Again, I've learnt to 放开 already so i'm prepared for whatever that comes my way.

With that being said, I still need all the luck in the world for my mid-terms on tues and weds cause who wouldnt want a better grade?

If I Could Turn Back Time

How i wished this sem never came...

I'm dying every lecture during stats - either the lecturer seriously dont know how to teach, or i'm just plain stupid. I can foresee my CAP falling, and maybe i might need to repeat this module again. i dont know. Call me pessimistic but yeah. I'm sort of prepared for it.

The reason why i hate doing group work/project is this - no one in my group cares to get started at all. I always had to be the one leading. I'm exhausted. How i wished i could have better groupmates. Dateline is this thursday and no one, YES NO ONE STARTED ANYTHING YET. And i cant start too because THE TOPIC HASNT EVEN BEEN DECIDED YET. WTF.

My Early Christmas Present :D

As usual, i would dread the sound of the incoming message informing me of my results. This time however, i did not hear it. Either it was too soft or i was dead asleep. When i finally mustered the courage to read it (well, not that i expected myself to do badly; its just that i was afraid of my high expectations). I scanned through and wait a min, did i see something out of the ordinary or were my eyes playing tricks on me? Indeed, it was a pleasant surprise. The first A- in my uni life, and it came from my favourite module forensic science. It was definitely worth that much bid points, the late night lectures at utown and inconvenient trip back home. It was really surprising cause i didn't do quite well for the first CA and this module was competitive as well. Really, i was ecstatic. I have never felt this way in year 1. Well, i hope that this is only the beginning and everything will continue to be smooth-sailing :D

Life is such a joke...

When I thought everything was over, and happiness was finally here, the bomb dropped on me...

My sister walked into the room with a weird expression on her face, and dropped the earth-shaking news to me. Dad had just been retrenched from his job. At that moment, my face turned red hot and tears came streaming down like nobody's business. Our sole bread winner is now gone. Images flashed through my mind, all those difficult times where we didn't even have enough to eat. No allowances for school, having to give up all my savings to help pay for bills etc. I know this is what we would have to face sooner or later. Why? Why is it always us? Do you know how hard is it for us, when i can't even find the time to work and help lessen his burden? No one knows about this. Even if they knew, what can they do? Not one of our relatives helped us through the last time, except for one. This time, i am prepared for the worst, having to give up my meagre savings again. I want to help him so much but i can't. That's why i used to admire my friends who went to the workforce instead of continuing their studies. At least they can help... All i can do is to pray and hope he can find another job soon, before our savings (no, they are not even savings cause we don't even have) depletes.

Bomb no. 2 dropped on me this morning via a sms. She was the closest friend i ever had in secondary school. The moment i heard the news, i was in a frenzy, rushing to wash up and zoomed straight to her house. Again, tears came rolling down, i don't know what else to do other than consoling her, saying its okay, don't cry. It is easy for say but i know the hurt is there for a dead person won't be coming back. I imagine her to be me - I'll probably be wailing like crazy. This happened during my poly days when my mum was rushed to A&E for breathing difficulties and angina. I cried for days, the house was so quiet, no one to breathe me down my neck, do my things for me.. I thought what if she never came back. what if...

At the age of 21, my major milestone turns out to be this way... Why? I've had enough of obstacles throughout my teenage years. What else now? My turn next? (cause i know i'll probably need a ultrasound soon due that damn problem)